I’m constantly being force fed the news that things will get better and something good will happen, its been over 5 years now since the “event” and I’m still nursing the mental and physical scars. Ive lost who I thought I was i hear her screaming in the back of my mind but i know I can never get her back without help. But I’m so used to feeling this way that I’m scared to feel any different. I want the help but I’m afraid what it will do to me. How will i cope without the disorder.
Every day I fantasise about suicide. The window, the pills in the bathroom or the kitchen drawer. The razors that I could split with my nails or my teeth. The vodka that I could neck straight in litres.
And I would… if I wasn’t considering the other people that it would effect if I did these things.
I wish they didn’t matter. But they do.
